Decision time…..

Must mention this first. I was SO nervous about putting my blog OUT THERE, to the extent that I was shaking like a leaf before pressing the publish button and once I hit publish, I went to pour a large glass of wine! Well, I searched and searched for the blog as I connected it to my Facebook page but it did not connect. OMG, the next 20 minutes was awful! I pressed publish a few times, went in and changed my settings and checked, even texted a friend, ‘can you see it?’, she couldn’t!

I eventually sorted it and then stayed offline for a few hours. I felt sick, not anything to do with my diagnosis, just tummy turning sick and shaky! When I did pop back online, I burst into tears at the comments. Rob was next to me and asked what was wrong – told him I had just published the blog and I read just *some* of the comments as I was just crying. These were tears of RELIEF and gratitude, so THANK YOU to every single one of you who read my first ever blog about my journey, thank you to every single one of you who shared a story, commented on both the blog and Facebook, thank you to everyone who called and left me a message, sent me a text, a what’s app and a private message too. Each of these messages, be it a simple ‘x’, has meant the world to me.

I have truly been mechanical throughout this, once I had a few RANDOM crying sessions. Not more than 4 times to date. It’s happened at bed time, once I have taken NYTOL (thank goodness for that), I lie there and just feel terribly sad. It’s on my mind 24/7 but for the most of it, I have been fine, just taking it one step at a time and trusting my wonderful consultant and her team.

Since sharing the blog and yesterday’s meeting at the hospital, I admit, it’s hitting home a lot more. It was the release I needed and it will help me in the dark days. I have heard that chemo will be harder than the actual surgery so I have been planning on how I am going to overcome it. I have obviously been through the scenarios of how I am going to look and feel when I lose my hair. I think it’s inevitable that I will lose my hair I believe. There is an option to use a ‘cold cap’ : http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Livingwithandaftercancer/Symptomssideeffects/Hairloss/Scalpcooling.aspx but it has mixed reviews. I am inclined to just ‘let it go’ – and even I, as tired as I am of hearing the Frozen song, you just can’t help but sing it when those words are uttered huh?

I did tell Rob that I don’t think I would make an attractive bald person! He said if it were him, he would rock a mohican…erm, no thanks. There are lots of options out there and this is one highly recommended by a doctor friend of mine : http://www.lucindaellery-hairloss.co.uk/ be sure to watch the video, it’s amazing…..and then see which celebs use her too : http://www.lucindaellery.com/celebrity-gallery.php

I’m really not sure what I am going to do yet – just taking it one step at a time. I think about it like this : You lose a boob, go through a rubbish few months trying to tackle the disease, you lose your hair, you keep your LIFE! Small price to pay…besides, hair grows eventually!

Yesterday, 15th August 2014 – I met with my consultant, who by now, you would have read about her experience in the previous blog and I am sure you are also pleased for me!

Op booked in for 9th September. It’s going to be 6 hours. I have chosen not to have immediate reconstruction. I will have the full mastectomy and an expandable inserted, which is inflated with saline over time. We don’t know at this stage if radiotherapy is needed after chemo. If you DO need radiotherapy, they wait for one year after your treatment is completed before offering any type of reconstruction. So for now, I will have an expandable, inflatable. Further down the line, once I am cleared, I can then choose to have reconstruction using tummy or inner thigh skin – this would the most natural feeling tissue versus the silicone. We are nowhere near that process now so I am not going to talk or think about that any more.

*A part of me is happy to just leave as is and I still have the opportunity to tell them on the day if I were to change my mind and not want the expandable but I also have the option of having the expandable and if I am not happy after 2 months, she will remove it! TOLD YOU I am in good hands!

 

 

expandable

 

15 thoughts on “Decision time…..”

  1. Deal with the here and now. At the start of this year, I wanted to know every possibility and outcome and what if scenario. Quickly realized that this was not helpful to anyone. However it was nice to have choices and control – when my hair came out in handfuls I had a wig fitting and had my hair shaved off.
    I empathise so much with you, take care x

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      1. Didn’t go for cold cap as it makes the chemo sessions take longer and the results seem varied.its been 5 weeks since last chemo and it’s beginning to grow back, but still wear a scarf. No I’m having mastectomy this Wednesday and then radiotherapy about 6 weeks later. 🙂

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      2. ps : by the way, I have also heard mixed reviews about the cold cap. I know it makes the chemo sessions longer but some women find that after a few sessions, it shows it doesn’t work and if they just opted out of it from the beginning, they would be ahead of the regrowth path if they did not use it.
        Not sure I could rock a scarf, baseball cap, yes, scarf…not sure…let’s see….that will all be very trivial by the time it comes I guess. After all, I will be in bed, with a bucket by my side, watching Netflix, for most of it? 🙂

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      3. You will find a way through that works. My biggest fear of chemo was being physically sick as I don’t do sick at all. However they give you anti sickness tablets and my friend who came with me explained this and I was also given an extra strong anti sickness medication, which worked.
        I wear glasses and couldn’t begin to imagine my glamorous (not!) look with specs and a scarf, but it’s really worked for me. When your ready, do an amazon search for chemo hats – some fab ones out there 🙂

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    2. Oh hun, you brave, brave lady *tight.hugs*. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday and sending a GAZILLION positive vibes your way! We are just a few weeks apart, in a way re mastectomy. I am trying to put your journey in chronological order! Either way, thank you for responding to my blog and I hope to learn from you and see you through your very personal journey that you have so kindly shared x

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  2. Your attitude is spot on – a few months of feeling different, the op/the chemo – but hey you get to still be here and wake up every morning. Before chemo started, I went out and bought my “chemo” clothes, things that I thought I would feel comfortable wearing, jogging pants,nice cosy tops, easy wearing things for when I was sick! A new bucket!! lol. But you know what, I decided I wasn’t going to let this beat me, I didn’t want it in my body, I didn’t want to be sick for months. And I wasn’t sick! Ok, I had a few other side effects, but I wasn’t sick. For me personally, the worst thing was losing my hair. I was literally devastated, so as soon as it started to fall out (which was 3 weeks after my first chemo) I had my hairdresser come to the house and she shaved it all off while my husband and kids watched. I bought a lovely wig, which she fitted on me that same day, trimmed it to match my previous style and I have to tell you that most people never even realised it was a wig.
    Just go with whatever you feel the most comfortable with, do whatever feels best for you and never mind about anyone else. There are so many people out there all praying and rooting for you, even total strangers like me. But our common bond is that we know what you are going through and how you feel, and we are willing you to come through this, we know you can do it. Take good care of yourself, be strong and positive and good luck. x Angela

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    1. Hey Angela…..I did not even consider chemo clothes yet! But I have now programmed it into the chemo folder in my brain. Are Ferrero Rochers good for chemo? I can add that to the shopping list!
      Trying to figure out where you are right now with the treatment? x

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  3. Nicole. You are very brave. And even when you are not brave, you know as well as I know that you will do whatever is necessary. You have an incredible support network and I tell you what, you’ll learn things on this journey that both inspire and thwart your efforts but it’s a journey that’ll really /make/ you. See it as that – school fees, babe. You’ve already decided to be just fine.

    Also, reading your blog made me check my boobs. Also made Shawn check them which was fun.

    And so starts your epic tale x

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  4. Dear Jade – yes darling, spot on….like Pharrell says, I’ll be just fine! The learning is going to be the best bit, I already see things in a whole new light…and keep checking! *mwah* x

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  5. Hey Angela…..I did not even consider chemo clothes yet! But I have now programmed it into the chemo folder in my brain. Are Ferrero Rochers good for chemo? I can add that to the shopping list!
    Trying to figure out where you are right now with the treatment? x

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